I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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