Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
