That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
