I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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