im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
