69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
