my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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