I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
