I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I want to walk on stilts...naked
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
