new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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