Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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