We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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