im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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