I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
