the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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