If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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