It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
