Life is so much better after having sex.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
