Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
