so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
