I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
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After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
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My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My breasts were aching with rage.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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