My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
