Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
