I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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