moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
