Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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