my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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