remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
