I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
