4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
