If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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