Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
