Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
