WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
