Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
