Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
