cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
