Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
