he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
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He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
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If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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