you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
