a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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