zippers are such a cool invention
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
