I could make wine with my vomit
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
