you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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