Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
