I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
