my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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