i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You're like the curious george of whores
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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