is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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