Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
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Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize