Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
