I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
