Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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