Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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